Editor’s. Note:
A frequent ferry rider submitted this guest humor piece.
***
She was a dog “behavioralist,” as a car door panel indicated.
Her car was full of dogs. Most were complacently still as she pulled into the driveway.
One animal she had tethered to a leash was less than cooperative, however.
“SIT DOWN,” she commanded.
The dog was still frenzied. Furthermore, he seemed less than contrite.
“SITTHEFUCKDOWN,” came the second command. This must be part of the behavioral training clients will pay a small fortune for.
Now the dog was the model of obedience. The fact that he was being choked and dragged to the ground may have reinforced the power of suggestion. He was then led to an apartment where was he unceremoniously released.
We gave “Harmonic Convergence Dog-Walking Service” a call the other day. The woman who answered sounded tired.
“Harmony speaking.”
“C’mon. That’s not your real name. That sounds like a stripper.”
“How did you know I was a stripper?”
“That’s a joke. I didn’t mean anything by it. I saw your truck in my neighborhood and wanted to learn more about your service. I couldn’t find a website.”
“That’s our differentiator,” she said. “We don’t keep a website. It weakens the brand.”
This episode inspired us to create a competitive business model…as the barrier to entry in the dog-walking dodge is remarkably low.
Here at the “Woof: Aloof Dog-Walking Academy,” we take a different approach, training the owner-operators of the animals to enjoy mutual exercise.
Candidates must answer a simple test before being accepted. We also consider those with second-hand models (or so-called “rescue dogs”) with proof of pedigree.
Here’s a sample:
*You are approached by a dog-owner who asks “is our dog friendly?”
Your response is:
- He is. I am not.
- We have enough friends, thank you.
- Have you any other hobbies?
*A child comes up to ask if he may pet your dog?
Your response is:
- Not unless you want your face ripped off
- My mother told me to never speak to strangers
- Have you ever heard the word “no” before? (You little brat)
*Why isn’t your dog fixed?
- Because he isn’t broken
- Just because you are?
- We are putting him out to stud, dude.
*We had a dog like that when we were children. A terrier, right? What’s his name? How old is he? Blah, blah, blah.
*You obviously have me confused with someone who might care
*That’s nice. Now go away.
*I think I hear your mother calling.
As you might imagine, “any and/or all of the above” was just fine.
Not long after our launch we got a surprise call.
“Harmony here,” she said. “You win. I’m out of the canine companion racket. Harmonic Convergence just can’t keep up with uber walkers and peer-to-peer start-ups. I’m going back to the Strip Club circuit.
“Sorry to hear that darling. Is there a ‘Melody’ in your life?”
“Not exactly, I’m working on finding one. And if I’ve learned one thing from this experience, it’s that behavioral modification is not the answer.”